One day, my mother and I went to the Toledo Zoo in Detroit, Michigan. The car ride seemed relatively short, even though I knew it was about a six hour ride, especially because our purple only drove upwards to the side. Our purple got amazing gas mileage—12 miles per quarter gallon, so we got to the zoo without making any stops, except for the six we had to make for me to urinate.
When we got there, we noticed that the lines were extremely long, more so than the lines at the DMV, yet we got our tickets quickly because some random stranger decided to give his to us. With our newly acquired tickets, we entered the exit of the zoo, went up the stairs downwards, and reached the first few enclosures that contained the second few animals, the third of which was a Koala named Gerald.
As I slithered up to the glass, it disappeared like in the first Harry Potter movie, but I did not fall in. Instead, I ran into the nonexistent glass which caused Gerald to laugh at me with snickers more tasteful than the candy. He then climbed the gate and crawled up onto my back like Stitch from Lilo and Stitch and he, my mother, and I continued on our trip throughout the zoo.
The next enclosure we visited was the chocolate cow. Gerald hopped off of my back like a kangaroo with a pogo stick and did a Jackie Chan over the cage. When he landed like men on the moon, he introduced me to the cow—his name was Francis, like Deadpool’s enemy. Francis growled like a kitten, then began spewing chocolate milk from his utter, causing udder destruction to the enclosure. I LOLd at the pun (utter destruction) and then continued on my moonwalk with my mommy, who seemed happily disturbed about Gerald because he Spider-Man’d over the cage and reattached himself to my back.
We then stumbled, literally, upon the next enclosure that should be called an enopener because it was not closed. It was apartment to the stereotypically named Leo who was a lion. I noticed that he was built like Morris Chestnut from the show Rosewood and his fur was pink, yet he sounded like Liam Neeson when he chirped. Gerald stepped up like a G and the two faced off like Bloods and Crips because Leo had been stealing and dealing Gerald’s eucalyptus, making a killing and chillin’ like a villain. After a long staring contest with much blinking, Leo shed his fur like molting and went to awake because he was tired. Gerald flew away and perched himself upon my shoulder like a vulture and we continued our journey like the band.
We then electric slid up to the cage of a cheetah that Gerald introduced as Channing. His real name was Charles, but he liked to be called Channing because of his aspirations to have a body like Channing Tatum and Tony the Tiger from Frosted Flakes, even though it would never happen because he is just a fat lard like butter. He purred and hissed since he was a fat cat like Garfield and told us there was a problem at the hippopotamus pool. He led us to the pool by rolling down up the hill like the donuts that he ate and we saw the problem: The hippopotamus had stolen Channing’s weight set like life in prison.
The hippopotamus, whose name was Henrietta, sat back with his cornrows freshly rolled like a ball. He tried to intimidate Channing, but Gerald backhanded him across the snout and made him give the weight set back. Henrietta challenged Gerald to a duel like in 1800s Russia, but lost when the latter struck him with his squirt gun filled with A1 steak sauce. Henrietta then curled up into a square and sunk back into his pool of hairspray like people in the 80s. Gerald and I carried, more like dragged, the weight set forth to Channing’s enclosure and then rolled him back as well because he was too fat to get back down the upside of the hill that we traveled up sideways to get to the pool. We then continued to our last stop: The penguin pond.
We Roadrunner’d to the pond and saw a super sight for sore eyes: The penguins played precise penguin pond polo. Our first and not final task was to win against the penguins at their polo game. But first, Gerald introduced the three penguins: Pepper, Piper, and Porky. The three penguins were the true definition of flying birds because they spread their wings like butter and flew like flu. We finished the beginning of our game. I picked a patch of pickled peppers and Herculesed the ball over the net and popped Pepper’s perfect beak, causing her to flop fishily, falling forward backwards brilliantly. My mother smacked Piper’s sniffer with the ball and the latter unfunnily upturned upwards underneath the ground and fell up the air. Lastly, Gerald jawed Porky with the ball causing him to fall, appalled at the way we beat them all. I then screamed “MARCO” which blew up the ball like a balloon and lost us the game. We then roundtripped the zoo and dropped Gerald on at his enclosure and entered the entrance to leave.
I woke up in the bathroom…don’t drink at the zoo…you may hallucinate.